so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
