drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
