How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
