this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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