During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I smell stomach acid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
