not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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