so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
