filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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