never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
