I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
