i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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