dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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