We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
and she was petting her beer can
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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