Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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