I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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