The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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