$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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