then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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