i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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