I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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