Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
