why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
