she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
