I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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