I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
honey bunches of taint.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
