I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize