he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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