sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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