Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
