I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's never too late to be topless.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
