How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize