I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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