The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
