chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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