Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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