My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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