my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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