I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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