Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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