I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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