Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
