Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
