Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
wanna go halves on a baby?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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