Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Less talking, more tequila
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
