my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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