I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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