My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
