I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
