A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
