I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize