You smell like a Billy Joel song
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
