god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
