And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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