So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize