I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
