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That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
