put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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