I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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