I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize