pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
