guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
