It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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