I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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