im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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