I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize