I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
