I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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